I trust

It took me a long time to get here fully, but I’m here. I’m not measuring my worth any longer by anything other than how I feel in my skin.
I am embodied. I am whole.
All I can be is the change/example of what I want to see in the world.
Not triggered by my ego or not enoughness.
Just all of me.
It’s so easy to feel like you’re not enough.
Feel like you have something to prove.
ESPECIALLY when you live on a tiny island that everyone always “knows” everyone even though they never truly know.
It’s the equivalent of living in a small town anywhere in the world.
It can stunt you into pure fear. Not wanting to change because the backlash of people telling you you’re crazy and the behind your back talking is crippling.
You end up telling yourself it’s safer to stay the same rather than change anything.
Where I live people are VERY vocal in telling you how they think you should live.
It’s weird I guess it’s our culture? I’m not sure?
But the ones who should love you for all that you are, are usually the worst culprits.
I guess anyone being brave enough to go against the current tends to trigger others.
Old me would have been totally weirded out by all of who I am right now.
But that’s the funny thing in life. I realise now that was just my ignorance.
I was intellectually very smart, but truly I wasn’t actually aware.
I was trapped in this ongoing cycle of thinking what my life was, was all that there was. The only thing missing, that niggle of I’m meant for more – I always equated it with the “right” job. I thought it was because I was supposed to be at some big corporate job using “all of me” mostly that just meant my brains.
I never conceptualised at the time it was spiritual growth I was craving.
Spiritual anything for me was dripped with Catholicism. A religion I very adamantly knew I didn’t want to be associated with. I let it taint all of me. I let it shut me down. I had my own version of what the Universe meant to me.
I believed in energy. But I never went deep enough to explore within myself what that meant.
Everyday as I ground into my spiritual practices a little bit more of what I’m here for flows out of me.
I am accepting this is the journey.

Are you creating more Love or Fear?

For years our elders, parents, grandparents, have lived in times where true states of fear have existed. And unfortunately, rather than heal this generational trauma, it has been passed on and we live from this place of instinctive fear rather than a place of love in our lives daily.

Fear is primal energy it has ruled and led us for centuries. It has kept us safe. A gut response letting us know whether it is time for fight or flight.

However, when fear was no longer led by whether we were about to be attacked or eaten by something bigger than us.

Something else kicked in its place stress.

And without knowing, rather than experiencing moment by moment situations of fear, we now experience it almost daily within us a primal feeling of fear always in the “on” position. 

Except now, instead of it keeping us safe, it is overriding our system and running us literally into the ground. 

How do we even begin to change this? We recognise it. And it sounds simple because it is, but just because it is simple doesn’t mean it is easy.

It means unlearning centuries of stored fear within our cells that have been passed down for generations. 

The study of epigenetics shows us that we may not store specific traumas but within us, we store the feelings the sensitivities to the trauma, which then causes us to have these guttural unexplained reactions. 

It is within us. Unraveling it is what we are here right now to do. 

Every single person has their own journey to this. Our generation is experiencing rapid healing. I can’t pinpoint why we seem to recognise this quicker than our parents or grandparents. I’m sure someone can point me to a study of the scientific facts.

But I know that we are not doing anyone any favours by continuing to spread fear instead of love. 

Any action that you take, begin to ask your self; Am I spreading Fear or Love? 

And even if it is a good, worthy cause, that is worth dismantling. 

Begin asking yourself HOW can I transmute this message into love.

We Women NEED Each Other

We women need each other, and for those of you out there who’ve been fortunate enough to have been surrounded by other supportive women all your life consider yourselves VERY lucky. I wasn’t one of them.

I had my girl cousins, and I’m not even sure they realised how crucial they were in holding me together during the years when I really didn’t have many female friendships. They were my tribe. I guess as I type this I realise I took it for granted thinking because I didn’t have female friends outside my family that meant I wasn’t surrounded.

But I actually was. Within my household alone it was me, my mother and my sister. Within my large family my father was one of 11 kids, 7 of which were women. I have been surrounded by women all my life. 

To survive we women have had to show up in the world as men in order to “make it”, most strong women you know take either the stay-at-home route or the working mom route. They are both vital.

But the women who choose the working mom route have to sacrifice pieces of themselves to make it in a working world which is driven towards men. 

Women have to show up every single day at 100% when women are not meant to show up that way. 

Men have this energy, it is great, powerful energy, it is how the world has become the empire that it is. 

But the world has left out women in this equation. I.e. women in their true form. The givers of the life, the cyclic beings, who are connected deeply to the rhythms and cycles of the earth.

I think it’s always been known most men fear women

A woman in her power radiates an energy that a man knows not to fuck with. 

So they had to take it away. Witch trials spanned centuries and is the biggest mass genocide known to humankind. Yes men were burnt as witches as well (these men were probably well embodied men who acknowledged the need for balance of the earth with the sun, i.e. the feminine with the masculine) but I digress.

Women were turned against each other, forced to “sell out” their sisters to save themselves, the times were dire. They have brought us to where we are.

We women feel within us a deep mistrust amongst us, we compete with each other for male attention and status. 

But what if there’s a better way in the making? 

We are seeing it slowly but surely, our households are no longer run by women only, we collectively come together as men and women to share the duties or child care and house care. 

But there are still ways we are out of balanced and it is definitely seen in the working world.

A woman loses respect from her peers when her body asks her to take breaks during her cycle for rest, remember men are meant to operate at 100% women are not. 

We see workplaces that are missing a key element, love, humanity. 

When we show up to the workplace we are not allowed to act as ourselves, we have to show up as men in order to gain respect and status.

But that is fighting deeply against who we are. 

We women bring diversity to a workplace, heart, compassion, the work world isn’t only about productivity as we have made it. It is meant to be a place of fulfillment and passion. 

Society has made us slaves to our jobs to pay our bills, when truly every human being has the right to shelter and food without having to fight for survival.

Our wealth is being distributed in the wrong ways, only to a select few, taught to us that a measure of our worth is in how much we make.

But that simply isn’t so. As human beings we are each valuable as we are, we are taught division, separation, gender, colour, race, ethnicity but we are the Human Race.

And every single Human being has the right to be all of themselves.

Together we change the world, but it starts individually with each one of us.

Recognising we are worthy, we are whole and we deserve a world that is everything we ever dreamed of and more.

Utopia exists, heaven and hell are man made concepts that cause us to strive for something in the afterlife when it is right here on earth with us right now. 

Wouldn’t you prefer heaven over hell? 

Together we restore balance, there is no man Vs woman, but it starts with women beginning to realise they are everything they feel they are.

They are not the lesser sex, the sexuality and bodies aren’t riddled with shame as the world teaches us.

Our beauty is radiated when we stand as who we are, decorations be damned we are perfect as we are. 

Do you see it?

The Cynic - A Women’s Community? Umm, what? Healing my Feminine Wounds.

If you told me two years ago I’d be heading a women’s community, inviting women to come together in a safe space to be seen, heard, and really understood. I’d have laughed at you.

I had feminine wounds — because let’s be real — teenage years are without a doubt some of the hardest.

We scar and are scarred by others in so many deep ways due to lack of self awareness and the pressure to conform and fit in.

It was hard for me — because I’ve always called a spade a spade and spoken my truth.

So instead I was the guys’ girl. I limed with all the boys, it was easy, effortless. I could say whatever I thought and it offended not one of them.

I’ve avoided the feminine energy, for so long, because it has been too hard for me to process. It has never been a safe place.

But now I feel called to change that. Change the narrative of ‘you Vs other girls’. Show you that we can come together, be supportive, be real, and create something authentic and powerful.

We’ve all been hurt by someone, we’ve all hurt someone. Unintentionally or Intentionally but as we grow as we awaken our inner wisdom kicks in to guide us.

It opens us up to healing.

Allowing us to move past previous experiences, rewrite our stories.

When you’re a teenager you don’t have wise wisdom on your side, as yet, that guides you “it’s about them, not about you” to make you realise people come from a place of their own understanding and it is nothing personal.

But life is a journey, without those experiences, I wouldn’t be the person here before you today, and that’s the beauty of it.

I’ve tried to shy away from doing this — i.e. creating a Women’s Community so many times in the past year I can’t even count. Every. Singe. Time. The Universe sends a sign telling me TO DO IT. It’s there reminding me “Katrianna you’ve always owned it in small parts. It’s time to go for the whole”.